if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
