Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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