I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
