she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
