the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up backwards on a recliner
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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