I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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