I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
