i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
