I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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