We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
