Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
