The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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