Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
