if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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