Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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