just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I puked a lego.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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