I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
