can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
