Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
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I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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