I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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