Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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