mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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