A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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