i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I deserve this hangover.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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