Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
