I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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