Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
