I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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