The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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