My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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