'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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