I must be too annoying 4 u.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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