just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
