Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
