I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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