i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
