I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
