if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
