false alarm. still invincible.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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