Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
