He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
