you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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