I'm eating all of the evidence.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
