Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
