i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
