I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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