Michael Bay diarrhea
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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