I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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