Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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