I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
