In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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