My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
