White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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