don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
