I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
