I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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