I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
