Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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