saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
