Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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