i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
