Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
