I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
